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Incompetence

In my great quest through the Internet, I have come across many amusing statements. So that others will not have to do the same, I collate them here for general viewing. Hurrah.

  • Christmas is coming, the frogs are getting flat! Please put an otter in the old man's hat. If you haven't got an otter then a marmoset will do; if you haven't got a marmoset, then God bless you!
  • "Are you the police?" "No Ma'am, we're musicians." -The Blues Brothers
  • "Bother," said Pooh, as the police found Piglet's body in his back garden.
  • Jesus saves sinners ... and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!
  • The opinions expressed herein are those of absolutely everyone at National Instruments: the management, staff, stockholders, their spouses, children, dogs, and cats. In fact, everyone in Austin also agrees. No, make that Texas. -Taken from .sig
  • "We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
  • "I'm paranoid... I tried to join Paranoids Anonymous. They wouldn't let me know where the meetings were."
  • "Bother," said Pooh, as Moonbase Alpha depressurised.
  • "He's dead, Jim. You grab his Tricorder, I'll get his wallet."
  • Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable rate from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
  • This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy. Your message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet. As a result your species will be sold into slavery. Be sure you know what you are doing. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? [ny] y
  • "The Force. It surrounds us; It enfolds us; It gets us dates on Saturday nights." -- Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal.
  • The opinions expressed herein are beamed to me periodically from Remulac, during the festival of the Moons of Meepzorp. (Toss me the senso-rings) -Also taken from a .sig
  • 'The Lord cast Lucifer out of the Kingdom of Heaven, and into the fiery pit where he was to remain damned for all eternity. And for this Lucifer cursed The Lord and said, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"'
  • "Bother," said Pooh, as the small child choked on his eyes.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Haiku: The willow bends down / Touching the ground in new ways / Plastic Bear Vomit.
  • In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? [Note- is Yoda a Skaven? His speech would seem to prove it.]
  • Watership Down: You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
    • When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
    • When an eel bites your thigh, As you're just swimming by, that's a moray!
    • When an eel, with all its charm, takes a hunk out of your arm, that's a moray!
    • When you scream, and you beg, but it still bites off your leg, that's a moray!
    (Thanks to Afgncaap5@aol.com & co for the last two)
  • "Bother," said Pooh, as the "cop killers" pierced his kevlar jacket.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
    • "WHAT is your name?" "Captain Jean-Luc Picard."
    • "WHAT is your quest?" "I seek the Holy Grail!"
    • "WHAT is the maximum Warp speed of a Bird of Prey?" "Romulan or Klingon?"
    • "I.....I don't know AAAAAHHHHH!"
  • "You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. If you resist, you will be punished. Have a nice day." - The Borg
  • "It was only after their population of fifty mysteriously shrank to eight, that the other seven dwarfs began to suspect Hungry."
  • Disclaimer: The above are the opinions of God as recited by my telepathic goldfish. Those who oppose them with be struck by lightning. Such an event will be reflected on their electrical bill.
  • Read in the "letters to the editor" column of "TIME" in response to an article on teen suicide: "People should be aware of the dangers of killing themselves"
  • "Today's CS lecture will be conducted entirely through the medium of interpretive dance." --something I've always wanted to hear but never will
  • "Bother", said Pooh, mistaking the LSD tablet for aspirin
  • Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'
  • Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.
  • People who think MSDOS & Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating "This mind intentionally left blank"
  • I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
  • Just say NO to police searches and seizures. Make them use force. (not responsible for bodily harm resulting from following above advice)
  • "Bother," said Pooh as he fell into the nitric acid bath
  • Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about the consequences of an accident with the new Iridium enriched fusion reactor. "If it goes off only the cockroaches and mammals will survive..." they said.
  • "I am Loquacious of Borg. Prepare to be bored."
  • "Once you have pulled the pin out of Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend."
  • Japanese say Americans are lazy. HA!! At least we cook our fish!
  • Sir! Romulan warbird decloaki$^#@*& NO CARRIER
  • To install WordBlurf 9.0 on a network, place the write-enabled installation diskette in drive A and type A:netinstall. WordBlurf 9.0 will install itself on every machine on your network and nothing will go wrong. Really. We swear. -A user about to discover the real nature of networking.
  • Took an hour to bury the cat - damn thing kept moving.
  • I t±ld yo±, "Never±touch ±he flop±y disk s±rface!"
  • GOD IS REAL ... Unless declared integer.
  • "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye captain, 300 dpi?"
  • When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.
  • A police state is great, so long as you're the police.
  • The best way to accelerate a Apple Mac? 9.8 m/s²
  • 1 = 2, for large values of 1.
  • E=MC². Very good, Einstein, but next time show your working.
  • Pentium processing? It's as easy as 1-2-3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
  • Beware of quantum ducks. Quark, Quark.
  • No, you can't make a phone call... NO! NO! %&*/l1.@#~ NO CARRIER
  • If speed kills, then Mac users will live forever.
  • umop apisdn w,I aw dlaH
  • Hy! Whr did my "" ky go?
  • "Fuck it," said Pooh, being more forthright than usual.
  • A warning to drivers on the A5 to Norwich. It doesn't go there.
  • "The Pentium Processor - Now you CAN divide by zero!" -Intel slogan, or not?
  • C:\DOS\SYSTEM\OS2\UTILITIES\DOCS\HELP\WHERE\THE\F$#%\AM\I???
  • "Press to test." [click] "Release to detonate."
  • (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer
  • Borg DOS: Assimilate drive C:? (Y)es, (O)k or (F)ine
  • Ferengi DOS: Unprofitable command or file name.
  • Klingon DOS: That command or file name has no honour!
  • Math Problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)ý]-[sin(xy)/2.362x+5
  • File Not Found.....Loading something that looks similar
  • Of people born in 1839, 100% who ate carrots are dead.
  • Really Get Stoned -- Drink Wet Cement!
  • Support your local coroner -- die strangely.
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue
  • Phasers on "Blow the crap out of 'em"... FIRE!
  • Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
  • CAUTION! Do Not Look Into Laser With Remaining Eye.
  • "Bother," said Pooh, as he pulled the alien face-hugger off.
  • Avoid mess: Cover cat before microwaving.
  • On a clear disk you can seek forever.
  • All general statements are false.
  • All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
  • I nearly bought an Archimedes, but I decided not to take the RISC!
  • Hold a hard drive to your ear. Listen to the C:
  • Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP!
  • A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago
  • "640k oughta be enough for anyone" - Bill Gates, 1981.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
  • Smith and Wesson: The original point-and-click interface
  • (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)mack the friggin' thing
  • This product has been cruelly tested on cute furry animals.
  • "Look at that idiot with the bow and arrow", Harold c. 1066
  • Gosh it's cold today, turn another Pentium on will you ?
  • All in favor of telekinesis, raise my hands.
  • Do I BELIEVE in the Bible?! Hell, man I've SEEN one!!!
  • "Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "A 2x4, sir?"
  • One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
  • If a boomerang always comes back, why bother throwing it?
  • Do bl Sp ce is a v ry saf me hod of driv compr s ion (for all you DOS 6 fans out there)
  • The buck doesn't even slow down here.
  • Shell to DOS...come in, DOS...do you read...over?
  • Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more: What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
  • "A Warrior does NOT steal quotes." - Worf
  • **-SYSTEM ERROR-** Press F13 to continue.
  • Keyboard not found, press F1 to continue (that was a real one, BTW)
  • 75%, no, 72% of all statistics are made up on the spot
  • A fool and his money are... Hey! Where's my wallet?!!
  • Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
  • BREKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
  • COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
  • "Computer, end program!" *&%$# NO CARRIER
  • Dances With Tribbles: Stomp SQUEAK Stomp SQUEAK
  • Do not attempt to traverse a chasm in two leaps.
  • File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...
  • I'm Heavily Armed, Easily Bored and off my Medication!
  • If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
  • Math and Alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink & derive.
  • My computer is so stupid it #'#û! &^#û¨##ûNO CARRIER
  • People who think they know it all really annoy us who do.
  • REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
  • There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
  • NO! Not DEL, *DIR*!
  • What!!! I'm missing Star Tre*(%$#zNO CARRIER
  • Shh! Be vewy, vewy qwiewet! I'm hunting wuntime ewwors
  • I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
  • Taken from our school bulletin:

    Most pupils who have adopted a Tamagotchi appear to be responsibly extending appropriate care and attention to them.

    As with any real baby or pet, arrangements must be made to look after them while parents are at work or school.

    Assemblies, classes etc. cannot be interrupted by distressed pets or babies- real or otherwise. We have neither a creche nor a pet-minding facility.

    These toys must therefore be tended before or after school, or at lunchtime.

    Should they be taken into supervision by a teacher, the consequences may be fatal. The only facilities we have to support Tamagotchis is a mortuary where at least they would meet an appropriate end to their lives.

    J.G. Low, Rector.
  • "Look at the si-diddly-ize of that darn diddly ding dang thing..." "Shut your trap, Red Two." -Star Wars (thanks to Kevin Reilly)
  • "Go ahead and take the moral high ground. All that heavenly back lighting just makes you a better target." (Thanks to David Gerrold)
  • I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
  • Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  • C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
  • Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  • What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
  • "Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy"
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  • Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
  • Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
  • C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
  • Best file compression around: "DEL *.*"
  • "As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."
  • Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  • (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
  • I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
  • Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  • There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  • "I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • Alzheimer's advantage #25: New friends every day!
  • Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  • Don't steal - the government hates competition.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory, but most don't have film.
  • Give and you might receive. Take and be sure of it.
  • Life: a terminal, sexually transmitted disease.
  • Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
  • LSD: Virtual reality without all the expensive hardware.
  • To reformat a CD-ROM, use steel wool & heavy pressure
  • Tonight's forecast: Dark, followed by light.
  • I was an atheist, until I realised I was God.
  • BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  • "Pop goes the hamster - and other great microwave games!" - Nick Abbot


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The entirety of skrill.org is copyright Colen McAlister, except the bits that aren't.